Bengong...

8:54 pm dan gw masih di kantor... Nungguin bokap gw yang rada workaholic (iya gw kerja sama bokap gw). Karena dia mau cuti lusa, jadi tadi dia bilang bakal pulang agak maleman, paling pagi jam 7... jam 7 bo! Molor 2 jam.... Tapi gw ga enak buat buru2in dia gara2 kemaren gw udah ngeburu2in dia drop-in gw ketemu temen2... Hufffff... Serba salah yah, mo bawa mobil, males nyetir n kena macetnya... Nebeng, kok ya ga fleksibel. Melayanglah niat gw bersantai ria di rumah malam ini...

Dan kenapa ya, niat gw tuh on-off banget buat olahraga. Niatnya kan mau rutin donk, at least 3 kali seminggu. Gw ga gendut kok, BMI 21 tapi lemak di mana2. Dan herannya si Gembul selalu bilang gw gendut padalah BMI dia udah masuk ke kategori obesitas. HUH! Untungnya belakangan udah agak nyadar. Sampe sering gw sindir "mantan kamu ceking semua ya? cewe2 ga berlemak?". No, fortunately I haven't met his exes. Jadi inget ini (sorry, I'm an engineer):

Taken from facebook page: Trust me, I'm an "engineer"

I just have to post this...

Go to the link to view others "What we should have been taught in our senior year of high school"

My Fetish on Shoes

So I got this thing for shoes. Fortunately, I got a display-size feet (EUR 37), which makes it so easy to try on shoes wherever and whenever. Not boasting but most shoes look good on me, but not necessarily are comfortable. My feet are flat and it's not easy to find high heels that fit the arch of my feet. In addition to that, the bone at the inner side of the foot near the thumb protrudes out more than most people's. But in the other hand, my forefingers are the longest among other fingers which make it beautifully in line with the front curve of the open toes shoes' soles. I should have posted a picture rather than rambling about it hahaha.

When I moved to a big city from my university town, I was so amazed with all the shoes I could find (I know, I know, it's sad). That year, I bought a pair of shoes EVERY month which resulted in 13 pair of shoes at the end of the year (hey, people got their 13th salary!). Eventually I had about 30+ pair of shoes which half of them didn't make it back to Jakarta with me (I gave them to friends, donated and threw them away).

Back in Jakarta, still I bought some shoes here and there but found out that I have this not so usual curve (which I didn't realize before, stupid me), and it turned out, the brand that fits my curve is a little bit over my usual budget. And Gembul also realized that I often hurt my feet after few hours of walking or standing. He tried to buy me sponges or gels, and also asked me to put a pair of sandals in his car.

Yesterday, we were walking in a mall, I wore cheap but quite cute sandals that he bought me few months ago (again, because my feet hurts at that time). Eventually he asked if my feet hurt because he felt I was walking differently. Then he said that he wants to buy me sandals again. I was confused, why? I didn't take his word seriously, we were walking around, and he said again that I need to consider buying Hush Puppies sandals. I was like "I know it would be comfy, but it's ugly! So grandma-like". Gembul insisted.

We went to 3 places (Metro, Hush Puppies shop, and Sogo), he proposed a bulky flip flops and I rejected. I had a similar one from Crocs which I rarely wear. In the Hush Puppies shop, I showed Gembul high heels sandals that I quite liked and he was "high heels? I was thinking a flat sandals!". Me (posing) : "But it's cute!". Then we went to the last place (which I actually had some vouchers left from my dad a while ago), and found that those bulky sandals were marked 20% off from the tag price (the tag prices were all the same throughout the 3 stores). No, I still didn't buy it. Instead I found a pair of wedges that looked quite pretty (although not prettier than the previous high heel sandals in the 2nd store but comfier), and costed double my voucher worths. Gembul insisted me choose this one because it's more comfortable and he'd pay the rest! He was joking "I need to keep those till Christmas!".

I wore the shoes right away. It felt better than my cheap sandals :D And it makes me thinking of how I need to be more picky about buying shoes and put comfort over price and style (sound so grandma!)

Clothes never look any good... food just makes me fatter... shoes always fit. (In Her Shoes, 2005)

World Way Vs Jesus Way

There's this women forum I like to browse. Mainly it talks about fashion and beauty, but there are also some threads about love and life. There was this woman shared about her abusive husband, how her husband bet her in front of her 1-yo-daughter. The conversation has ran about a week and all the other forum members told her to divorce or at least leave his husband. Then, there was another woman wrote that she had an abusive boyfriend but more emotionally than physically. She had to answer his call right away, couldn't go out with her friends, etc etc. She knew it wasn't a healthy relationship but she was to scared to leave him after the 5-yr-relationship. The responses from the forum members were kinda similar, leave him! The first one was more complicated of course because it involved a little kid, a life together and in-laws.

I agreed that the second woman should definitely leave her boyfriend. But for the first woman, well... you and him are one! I brought up the Christian perspective of marriage that the vow was unconditional (although I wasn't sure in her religion there was such a vow). It doesn't justify you to break the promise if he breaks his. The vow didn't say "I will love and respect you if you love me back, if you care for me, if you make a lot of money" but it said "I will love and respect you in sickness, in health, in happiness, in sorrow, in rich, in poor etc etc". This woman also wrote that his husband moved to her city because she wanted to keep her job. And till now (after about 2 years of marriage), the husband was still jobless. He was looking for a job but then after they had a kid he said he didn't want to leave the kid with a babysitter.  I was pretty sure that one of the main reason of the abusive behavior was the jobless situation. The husband must be depressed and humiliated that the wife became the breadwinner of the family. I didn't know if the wife already gave him a fair chance to find a job or not. But she said that his husband hid his situation from his family and she had to agree because if not her in-laws would force this couple to live with them. I was thinking, one way to save the marriage was move to the in-laws' city and let the husband be the hero of the family.

Well, I did write my point of view, hopefully it didn't offend that woman so much and I was ready to get harsh responses from the other members. Yup I got two in few hours. But that women hasn't replied yet. I am a very defensive person but I'm trying to hold back. One person said that I could have that ideal thinking because I wasn't married yet. Yes, it's true but I hope when I am married, I still have that ideal thinking. And she also said "why keep your promise while the other do not?" And someone also said that marriage is about love, when there is no love, what for? I could not preach about Christianity in the forum or I'll be banned.

So, I don't know how to defend my point because the only reason is "Because Jesus loves you and your husband and that is the marriage Jesus wants you to have" and I can't write that.

Jesus, I pray so that you touch that woman's heart. Strengthen and protect her and her daughter although they don't know you. I can't talk about it but only You can make your point. Give her and her husband wisdom and more more love toward each other. I also pray for the other people who reads my writings, may you also touch them. In the name of Jesus, may your kingdom come to the earth.

Touch and Words

In the last posting I wrote how I was surprised by Gembul's (admitted) love languages. We talked a little bit more about this and I successfully convinced him that he must have Physical Touch somewhere at the top three. Not talking about anything sexual, but he loves holding, stroking, and kissing my hand so much. Finally, he decided to change his answers in the love languages form. Touch (no 1), Words (no 2), Quality Time (no 3). Yay! Turned out my answers were not that wrong. If you wonder why he literally needed to change his answer on paper, it's because it's gonna be submitted to the workshop. We'll be tested during the last interview after the pre-marital class (if we make it).

Was having a little conversation with my dear friend, let's call her Cartoon, in twitter.
Cartoon: Some people wanna convince me that I'm too scared to fall in love. U know? When u thought something was love then u look back and it's got lust written all over it.
Me: It's better to use your mind before feelings. Feelings can follow as long as he's not too ugly :p
Cartoon: That's the thing. Sometimes my brain takes sabbatical when there's a smooth talker around
Me: Haha. Just laugh at him. Your heart is precious. Is your love language word?
Cartoon: Yea... Words words words

It's okay my darling Cartoon, God will send His defined poet for you :)

Trust, Love Languages and Submission

Let's start from last Monday. Our 2nd session of relationship workshop talked about commitment, trust, and openness. Began with a game. Wouldn't tell you about the game in detail but it explained a lot.

• There is no "I win and you lose" in a relationship. It's supposed to be "Let's win it together". 
• Don't betray your partner who already put trust in you.
• It takes a lot more effort to gain the trust back. You may only betray your partner once, but you need years to convince him/her to trust you like before.

Then the group session. Since the week before we hadn't discusses about Love Languages, the facilitators asked us to fill it up. I kinda know my love languages (act of service and quality time), but... not sure about Gembul's love languages. I guessed it would be... quality time and words of affirmation. Turned out *JRENGGG* quality time and act of service. Yep! We basically have the same love languages order up to the last one. Act of service. I wondered if I even had done something to him about that. When the facilitator asked him what I did as an example? He said "she understands if I'm so tired to drive to her place and she even sometimes drives to my place". I never thought that action means a lot to him *catet baik2*

The next question was "is there any time/thing you doubt his/her love to you?". I brought up the issue I wrote in the previous post, not being on time. It sounded so insignificant but I said that since the beginning of the relationship I already told him that I wanted a man who walks his talk, who does everything he can to fulfill his promise. I over-reacted on purpose so he knew it was important for me. Supaya jangan kebablasan. The facilitator (yang cowo) said to Gembul "Well, it should be easier for you to act on it cos she already said it clearly". Later that night Gembul told me that he forgot that statement but when I said it during the discussion, it came back to him and he realized it was important to me and he needed to work on it. Love him :) One thing I want my man to have (and Gembul has it) is a humble heart that wants to learn and be shaped. Once I was in a relationship with a guy that is too content with himself. Not a good experience. He never understands when I said that everybody should have desire to be better each day. He said "why don't you just accept me the way I am, like my friends do?" In my mind "Ya beda kaliiiii temen ama pacar. Gw juga ga gitu peduli sama temen, accept them the way they are. They wouldn't affect my life so much. " *loh jadi curcol*

Anyway, the relationship workshop hasn't talked about the role or the differences of man and woman yet, but since I love blog-walking (silently), I found so many revelations about the role of woman, being a wife and that kinda stuff. Found that they are several great Indonesian female bloggers that loves God a lot and have great blogs! Very inspiring and informative.

One thing (among lots of things) I learn from those blogs are woman is created to be a helper. The Scripture commands husbands to love the wives and the wives to respect the husbands. Anyway, those God-sent bloggers are much better than me explaining about woman and relationships. Their blogs are truly eye-openers. I'll post some links later after I introduce myself to them and ask for permission.  I'm just gonna talk about me and Gembul related to this 'submission/respect' thingy.

When I was asked why I chose Gembul to be my boyfriend (I don't dare to say husband yet), I answered it was because he gained my respect. I am dominant and stubborn, it's not easy for me to find someone I can respect (in terms of boyfriend-girlfriend area). Once I marry a guy, I have to submit to his decision whether I agree or not. Huah! So much to learn and I definitely need God.

Not so blast weekend...

I easily got irritated if my boyfriend comes late. Last Saturday, I got lunch appointment with my friends at 1 o'clock, so I asked Gembul if he would pick me up. If not, I'd ask my driver to drop me off or take a cab. He said he'd pick me up. So I said I expected him to come at 12:15. This conversation took place at around 10 am. I did some exercise and left my bb, then took a shower. At 11:45 I looked at my bb and read his typing of "the electricity went off, can't take a shower", then he typed again that the electricity was back on, so he's off to shower... at 11:45. I immediately said "don't pick me up, we'll just meet there". At 12 he said "but I'm about to go now". I just said "nope, I'll take a cab or whatever". Arghhhh... Our houses are 40 kms apart. He sometimes underestimated the traffic in Jakarta. I already said a million times, Saturday afternoon is bad! You gotta leave before noon! After the lunch, when we're alone in the car, I made sure that he knew I was irritated by what he did earlier. I found out that he didn't take a shower when the electricity was off not due to lack of water supply but the darkness. Puhleeaaaseeee.... you're not a 5 yo kid... it's cleaning your own body, you could take a shower in the dark!

It's not getting better because we needed to go to his office to pick up some stuff he accidentally left. Then after we got there, he realized that he left his access card at home. So we went to his house,  not surprisingly caught in the traffic, then back to his office again,.... When I waited for him in the car, I was planning to ask him to drive me home. I figured that it's nicer to lie down on my bed and read a novel rather than stuck in the car meaninglessly.

I tried to calm myself down and when he came back, he asked if we still wanted to go to watch a movie. The latest time is 19:45, it's 19:10 at that time and I doubted we could make it. But I decided to give him (and the traffic) a chance. Nope, the traffic still was against us. 19:45 and we're still on our way, then I told him I wanted to go home. He turned the car and asked me if I really wanted to go straight home, we haven't had dinner btw. Then I said yes because I was just too restless and annoyed. He said sorry and that I had all the rights of being upset because he ruined the day. Driving home, he said that he didn't want to send me home yet, he still wanted to spend the night with me. So,  I agreed to stop by a cafe and we made up.

On Sunday, we planned to go to the evening service because he had a company event in the morning. He promised to pick me up at 4:45 to make sure we got to the church on time. Somehow, the traffic was not so friendly either, he arrived a lil bit late, and I confronted him. Actually I didn't feel that upset, but I just wanted to make a point that I didn't like it when he's late, and this was just a day after the fight-due-to-lateness.

In the sermon, the pastor said that one of the way of respecting someone is to come on time (actually it was also preached last week). Gembul stroke my hand while hearing that. And I said to him "If you are late, I will think that you're not that eager to see me. It's still okay if the traffic is bad, but at least you have to spare the time that makes sense".

Image taken from Google

Let's hope that we won't have the same issue again and again. And he actually said that he considered me quite patient by not exploding to him :p

Are you sure you want to marry your partner?

Last night, we attended the first session of the relationship seminar. Well, I should call it relationship workshop instead because it involves lots of discussions. At first, the pastor talked to all of us, the total of 60 couples. He asked whether we were sure we wanted to marry our partner. And Gembul and I were among few couples that stated we're not sure yet. That's why we go to this workshop, right?

The pastor asked: What's love anyway? Love is accepting others unconditionally, love is a decision, love is all the 1 Chor 13 says. In short, love is to benefit others at the cost of self.This sentence summaries all. He explained that the purpose of this workshop was to build a strong foundation of marriage. We have to know why we want to marry this person specifically. Why this person, not the other. Because love is not just a feeling, but we need to put it into words. Years later, if we face a situation in our marriage life and our feelings are gone, we gotta hold on that reason "why I married this person".

Then we broke into groups of 5 couples and a couple of facilitator. They asked us in details what we want our husband/wife to be like, if our current partner already fulfills it, what the characters of our partner that we like and dislike.

My reason of not being sure about Gembul is not due to his characters. I'm just scared, I'll be bored ahahhahahaha... Am I sure I want to be with him for the rest of my life? Am I sure he is sufficient for me that I won't be looking at another guy? Am I sure I want to see him as the last person before I sleep and the first person before I wake up? I hope I can decide after this 5-week workshop.

What made me thinking after attending the first session is not about Gembul. But it is about me. I feel I haven't been a good girlfriend to him. When I hear the other guys said that their girlfriends are loving, patient, supporting, caring, and all that... I was like, hmmmmm.... doesn't sound like me. If you wonder what Gembul said about me, hahahahah... none of those, although I agreed to what he said last night.

My bestie, let's call her bubblegum, said to me... If I were him, I would say "Gembil is hardworking, she knows what she wants. She's not a clingy one, she's independent. Sometimes I wonder why she needs a boyfriend. Oh! Buat gelendotan!". Hahahhahaha she cracked me up. Thanks dear :)

Gelendotan... something like this.... (pic taken from Google)

>> If you wonder if we got into a fight after the workshop, yes we did :p

Self-centered Gembil and Overwhelmingly Kind Gembul

Me, not a humble person... Yes, it's not something to be proud of, I'm learning. Yet God sent Gembul to cross my path and be with me to show me a different type of relationship.

* He almost always opens the car door for me and walks on the side of the cars passing by
* He drives me home and picks me up with no complaints, though our houses are 40 km apart
* When he's hungry in the middle of meal time, he's looking for my fave food so he won't be eating alone (although I don't mind not to eat)
* He went to a hard-core hike with me, when I asked "did you regret going here with me?", he said "I always try my best to accommodate your desire"
* He went around a strange city at night to buy me a lens case, cos I carelessly left it at home
* He let me go join girls' night out even though it means he go to a wedding reception alone
* He keeps his face and voice calm when I'm angry and waits for me to calm down
* He watches New Moon with me, although he keeps saying "what a typical American teenage girl...."
* He never says no when I ask him to go with me to meet my friends though sometimes I'll be to busy talking with my friends and ignore him (my bad...)
* He'd say no to his friends and say he gotta see me when his friends ask him to go for dinner
* He made me a scrapbook! OMG!
* When I started talking about the next vacation, he said "You can go, I'm not going, got to save up for our wedding"

>> Tomorrow, we'll attend a relationship seminar preceding a pre-marital course. Hope it'll assure me it's him who I wanna be with for the rest of my life.

Okay, here comes my blog!

I love blog-walking. I really do. I like to read about other people's life and thoughts. Not to judge them, but I like to know the thing I have no clue about and to get new perspective of the thing I knew. Or I just like the way some people write.

I blogged couple years ago, and successfully abandoned it. These last days, I've been thinking of get back to blog. At first, I want to blog about Gembul (my bf) and Gembil (me)'s relationships. No it's not another wedding blog. You'll know the details later.... Then I was thinking, am I sure I'm not going to talk about me? Uh-huh... I'm still figuring out what this blog will be all about, how discreetly/openly I will write, and so on. But, I just have to start now.

And here I am trying to contribute to the blog world, to the blog-walking lovers. Hope you enjoy!